11. Kirsten Dunst
Know why you didn’t hear much about Dunst in “How To Lose Friends and Alienate People?” Because Megan Fox was in it, and one of the few consistent facts of the movie business is that the shelf life of a young actress is about five years. She’s going to be about 30 when/if “Spider-Man 4” comes out. Do the math.
Anti-Freeze: Spend the ample time offered by her involuntary career sabbatical and get those teeth fixed.
12. Mike Myers
He hasn’t made a truly inspired live-action comedy since “Austin Powers: International Man Of Mystery.” The sequels were lousy and derivative of themselves, “The Cat In The Hat” was so atrocious it made Jim Carrey’s performance in “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” positively inspired and “The Love Guru” was as rock-bottom as you can go (with fellow Frigid 50’ers Jessica Alba and Justin Timberlake along for the plunge).
Anti-Freeze: Take a role where he actually uses his own voice for a change. “So I Married An Axe Murderer” is a cult classic for a reason, pal.
13. Scarlett Johansson
Funny how quickly that Next Big Thing title slips away, isn’t it?
Anti-Freeze: Not to worry, Woody Allen never tires of his young ingénues. Just ask Mia Farrow.
14. Jason Biggs
It’s hard to believe that anyone could sink lower than f*****g pies, but Biggs actually makes movies with Dane Cook, which is the cinematic equivalent of starring as the bottom in a Matamoros donkey show. But things are looking up for Biggs, as he’s got tons of films coming out in 2009… wait, no he doesn’t…
Anti-Freeze: Make a movie where he’s f*****g a higher class of dessert. Like éclairs.
15. Film Critics
We at the Threat toil for the love of it, so we’re sick of print critics bitching about the demise of their profession at the hands of “internet criticism,” but let’s be honest, not like anyone listens to critics anyway. Any moron with a computer, a website and the ability to drool on enough letters of the keyboard can review a film nowadays… and they often do.
It’s worse for critics on TV. All you need is a pretty face and an ability to turn to the right camera and you’re in. That’s why Roger Ebert doesn’t have a show anymore, and we get to listen to Ben Lyons smile his way though another mainstream brown-nosing of gibberish.
Anti-Freeze: J. Hoberman, Ann Hornaday, Stephanie Zacharek – and all the other last-print-critics-standing after cleanouts – moonlighting on FT! C’mon, show that true love of cinema!
16. Larry and Andy Wachowski
They made a film based on a TV show no one remembered, and the ones that did remember “Speed Racer,” didn’t remember liking it. On top of that, “Speed Racer” was as much an opportunity for an epileptic seizure as it was entertainment.
Anti-Freeze: “Bound 2,” starring Larry in a leather muumuu. You know you want to.
17. Nicolas Cage
His hair (what hair!?!) has become a joke, as has his taste in projects (“Next,” “Bangkok Dangerous,” “The Wicker Man”). He still connects in the “National Treasure” films, but only because he does such a great job of being a cartoon version of himself that people can’t help but giggle along. Quick, speak softly, shake your hands frantically, now shout! It’s like he went to the Al Pacino school of emoting, and as Pacino has shown, that’s the wrong way to go…
Anti-Freeze: More “Adaptation,” less “Bangkok Dangerous.”
18. Keira Knightley
We, and history, want no more of her sunken cheeks and pouting glances! Just because her agent describes the latest script offer as a “period piece” doesn’t mean she needs to sign up for it. Besides, she needs to get historically accurate and reward herself with a decent meal. The full skeletal look doesn’t work for much beyond folks discussing it as an interesting gimmick (see Christian Bale’s performance in “The Machinist”).
Anti-Freeze: Six-week acting, and fitness, bootcamp with Dame Judi Dench.
19. Jessica Biel
Quick, name one movie starring Jessica Biel in 2008! What, can’t think of any? That’s because her career is going down faster than her last big film, “I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry.”
Anti-Freeze: Pay Wesley Snipes’ back taxes and make “Blade: Fourpeat.” It might save Ryan Reynolds too.
20. M. Night Shyamalan
The former wunderkind continues to burn audiences with arty, overly indulgent films that fail to entertain, let alone intrigue or frighten. “The Happening” was supposed to be his artistic comeback, but it was his worst movie to date (and no one thought it could get worse than “The Village”).
Anti-Freeze: More Bruce Willis, less Marky Mark talking to plants.
The list continues in part four of FILM THREAT’S FRIGID 50: THE COLDEST PEOPLE IN HOLLYWOOD 2008>>>
