1. President George W. Bush
With all due respect to Hollywood, the mighty W is as much a cinema celebrity as the next despotic tyrant. Whether it be a thinly veiled proxy of Bush portrayed in a film (“Transformers,” “American Dreamz”), a documentary appearance (“Sicko,” “Fahrenheit 9/11,” “The Power of Nightmares,” “No End in Sight”), a fictionalized accounting in a film (“The Crocodile Hunter: Collision Course,” “DC 9/11: Time of Crisis,” “Death of a President,” “The Master of Disguise,” “Postal”) or even a television show or two (“That’s My Bush!”, “Lil’ Bush,” “Robot Chicken,” “South Park”), President George W. Bush has been a fixture on the big and small screens for the length of his historically tragic run.
By this time in 2008, however, George W. will have a successor to the political trash-pile, and save for a possible war crime tribunal in his future or a retrospective on where America went wrong, the man’s celebrity career is over with. No more Michael Moore cinematic slapfests, no more cute comedy shows about what a moron he is. Maybe a biopic, but it won’t be anytime soon.
Anti-Freeze: Figure out another way to circumvent the established system of checks and balances and ramrod through a resolution or three that’ll keep him in power as long as he wants… if he hasn’t already done that.
2. Angelina Jolie
Genuine concern for the well-being of less fortunate people is a noble pursuit, but shameless self-promotion in the guise of humanitarianism ultimately becomes nauseating. Traveling the Third World with a small army of stylists and publicists, the one-time Lara Croft feels like an unholy mix of Mother Teresa and Paris Hilton: look at the poor, but make sure you get me in my best light. Ironically, more people saw her in Cambodia or Namibia than in “A Mighty Heart.”
Anti-Freeze: How about adopting an American kid and making movies that people want to see?
3. Jim Carrey
In “The Number 23,” the world got to see a new side of Jim Carrey: the boring side. Whatever possessed the A-list funnyman to star in that tired little B-level thriller? Carrey’s miscasting was so obvious that the film’s marketing intentionally obscured his participation, burying his name in a busy corner of the movie poster.
Anti-Freeze: Act for the bare minimum and make ‘em laugh, Jim. Make ‘em laugh!
4. Comedies Not Associated with Judd Apatow
“Knocked Up” and “Superbad” proved that the R-rated comedy is not only back with a vengeance, it’s back with a box office crushing power previously unknown to man (earning $270 million+ combined). The Master behind the Return of the Adult Comedy is one Judd Apatow, and if his earnings in 2007 aren’t impressive enough, he’s still got 5 more comedies to roll out in theaters at the end of ’07 and throughout ’08. The rest of the comedies in theaters in 2007? Let’s just say having Will Ferrell or Ben Stiller in your flick isn’t enough anymore.
Anti-Freeze: All comedies going into production should be filtered through Judd Apatow.
5. Owen Wilson
Ooooooooh! Too soon? One note to Owen: just because you tried to add yourself to Life’s Frigid 50 via suicide, doesn’t mean Film Threat won’t add you to ours.
Anti-Freeze: Self-affirmations in a mirror to start – something along the lines of remembering that he’s the good-looking, somewhat successful Wilson Brother, followed by a moratorium on starring in Ben Stiller comedies not named “Zoolander 2.”
6. Nicole Kidman
She may’ve escaped Tom Cruise, but when her long legs stopped running, she realized she had trampled her career as well. After a string of bombs including “The Stepford Wives,” “Birth,” “Bewitched,” and “The Invasion,” Kidman’s simply the latest in a long, proud legacy of Down Under Under-achievers… and Hugh Jackman’s on borrowed time as well…
Anti-Freeze: Rumor has it that George Miller is casting for “Mad Max 4.” Perhaps he could use a new Warrior Woman character…
7. Hilary Swank
Call it the Curse of Chad Lowe, because ever since she blew that particular ballast tank, her career has been in an uncontrolled dive. Her first movie after her (second) Academy Award winning performance (“Million Dollar Baby”) was the craptastic “Black Dahlia,” followed by the glorified After School Special (“Freedom Writers”) and the freaking “Reaping,” a movie so bad it created a Charybdis-ian vortex of suckitude in which no shred of quality could survive. She may’ve grown up eating sawdust in Gooberville, Washington, or wherever, but it’s no longer necessary to accept every script that comes her way.
Anti-Freeze: Give us all what we want, another “Karate Kid” movie.
8. Eli Roth / Torture Porn
On his MySpace, Eli Roth blamed fans for not coming to see his movie “Hostel: Part II,” he blamed fans for downloading the bootlegged work print, he went on a wild witch hunt for people who downloaded his movie, he blamed critics for not liking his film, he vowed to take a break from directing in protest, and he prophesized the end of hardcore horror if “Hostel: Part II” didn’t do well financially (Rob Zombie proved him wrong with the success of “Halloween,” and “30 Days of Night” was no blood-and-gore horror failure either). Roth needs to learn to work with horror fans, not against them.
Still, the horror enfant terrible was right about an end to a certain genre of hardcore horror: Torture Porn. Between the failures of “Captivity,” “Hostel: Part II” and “I Know Who Killed Me,” torture porn as a sub-genre is as dead and mutilated as its onscreen victims.
Anti-Freeze: Roth should try remaking remakes of horror remakes, thus creating a new genre to fill the void left by torture porn. It’s the next logical step, and if he gets there first he’ll be King of the Hill again. Failing that, try comedy and give Howard Stern a call to finally make the Fartman movie.
9. Jennifer Lopez
How does the big-bottomed one do it? All of her films die at the box office (you need to go into the 1990s to find a bona-fide Lopez hit), the critics loathe her, would-be husband Ben Affleck virtually blamed her for derailing his career, and yet she continues to be treated like Hollywood royalty. The easiest way to keep a movie theater empty is by flashing “Starring Jennifer Lopez” on the screen.
Anti-Freeze: We’re baffled – like a computer virus, there doesn’t appear to be any measure that can stop her from making more bad movies.
10. Jon Heder
It’s been three years since “Napoleon Dynamite” and Heder hasn’t made a single good movie in that time. “Just Like Heaven,” “The Benchwarmers,” “School for Scoundrels,” “Blades of Glory,” “Moving McAllister” – he was given the Golden Ticket and he blew it!
Anti-Freeze: Jared Hess didn’t do so hot with “Nacho Libre,” so maybe he’s itching for a “Napoleon Dynamite” sequel…
The list continues in part three of FILM THREAT’S FRIGID 50: THE COLDEST PEOPLE IN HOLLYWOOD 2007>>>
