DUDE, CAN I BORROW "AUDITION"?

I have a regular day job in a very stereotypical office environment. Just think of Office Space or The Office, with really odd interior decoration and no fans in the bathroom, and you have the atmosphere I work in Monday thru Friday, 8:00am to 4:00pm. Everyone in the office knows me as “the movie guy” which, for the most part, is fine by me. Some of my fellow co-workers always enjoy coming up to me on Monday mornings to ask me what films I saw, what I thought of them, and if they themselves should go watch them.

Others however, avoid me completely. They used to ask me such questions but they gave up because I “hate everything” so they say.

“Dude, did you see The Da Vinci Code? What’d ya think?”

“Well, it the most predictably awful film I have seen in years.”

“Gosh, you hate everything, don’t you?”

This sort of attitude started around the year that Spider-Man and Attack of the Clones came out. I hated them both, like no films I’ve ever hated before and ever since then, some people just got the impression that I hated the mainstream. This couldn’t be further from the truth.

I don’t hate everything. I mean, come on, I own Four Brothers and The Rundown. Someone with those two titles in their collection can’t be that elite. It’s not that I hate the mainstream, it’s just that I really don’t like stuff that sucks.

Others in my office however, will come up to me from time to time and ask me about other types of films, knowing I may have information about them or that I may even own them on DVD. This one guy I work with, we’ll call him DC for the sake of anonymity, walked into my office one day (wearing one of those mini IPod devices around his neck like Flava Flav wearing a large clock) and asked me if I’d ever seen Battle Royale.
I tell him, “More times than I can shake a stick at. Would you like to borrow it?”

I think I own the Canadian version, as there isn’t a US DVD version out for this film yet (Tartan, can you hear me?). Since DC was so curious to see this film, I decided to subject him to another Japanese masterpiece as well.

“Ever see Audition?” I ask him.

He hasn’t but he was indeed aware of it. The next day, I bring him both films. “Enjoy,” I say.

The reason Audition (directed by Miike Takashi) came into mind is because DC has just recently re-entered the dating world. What could be more motivating for a guy who is starting to date again than a film about the ultimate date?

Days later, DC comes into my office with an interesting look on his face.

“I finally watched Audition… well, some of it anyway.”

“Some of it?” I ask curiously.

“Yeah dude, after she made that dude in the bag eat that bowl of stuff…”

I interrupt, “Oh, when she pukes in the bowl and makes him eat it?”

Surprised, he asked, “That was puke?”

“Yeah dude.”

“Unholy God.” DC then looks as if he is going to puke. “Um, yeah. I really couldn’t handle that dude. I am a pretty squeamish person and that movie freaked me out.”

“Oh, that sucks. You missed the best part.”

I love showing people films like this. Before DC starting working here, Audition made it’s way around to others in the office and they had similar reactions but they actually made it to the end. DC hasn’t watched Battle Royale yet but I think he’ll be fine with that one. Audition isn’t a film for everyone but everyone should still view it nevertheless. It’s a brilliant film structured like a Hitchcock masterpiece – an hour of painfully slow buildup followed by an hour of excruciating tension and terror. In short, it’s the ultimate date movie.

If you haven’t seen it yet, slap it in your Netflix queue. Better yet, save up $14.00 and just buy it. It’s that good.