I shall begin this review with a disclaimer. I am a fan of writer/director Donald F. Glut’s written work. Novels. Comic books. You name it. I’ve enjoyed them, and I believe his name usually equals a good read. That’s why it pains me to write this review. It actually pained me more to sit through this film, though, which is now out as a two-disc DVD set. I know it’s supposed to be a dinosaur/sexy cavewomen comedy, but … it isn’t.
I had a hell of a time getting into this story of an aging action star (Jeff Rector) being sucked back through time and falling in love with cavewoman Hea-Thor (Denise Ames). I kept waiting for the comedy. I kept waiting for some cool dinosaur attacks. What I got was fart noises and lots of bare breasts (I watched the Director’s Cut and stayed away from the Family version). That’s it. And to top it off, this was supposed to be restored and re-mastered, but it really didn’t look it. Even Karen Black, whom I normally enjoy, was wasted here. Wasted!
One thing I could take from this film is that the cast and crew had fun making it. I imagine they thought they were onto something pretty special, too, but it just doesn’t come across as I believe it was intended. Yes, it is campy fun, the kind Tom Servo regularly dissected on MST3K, but that can only carry a movie so far. In this case, that distance is about thirty minutes or so into it. That’s the point I realized this film was not going to get better.
I’m baffled by how this could go so wrong in Glut’s hands. I even listened to most of his commentary in an effort to piece that together, but came out more perplexed than before. It’s kind of like taking your computer apart only to find that instead of a motherboard inside it you have a photo of Gary Coleman. It makes no sense.
Dinosaur Valley Girls is ultimately disappointing (as if you couldn’t gather that already). Perhaps if I had no opinion of Glut’s work going in, I would have some mercy. I knew by title alone it sounded like it could be bad, but I thought, “Glut’s involved. It’s going to be entertaining at least.” I was wrong. Very, very wrong.
Maybe the Family version would’ve been better. Sadly, I’m not even interested in trying.
“…instead of a motherboard inside it you have a photo of Gary Coleman. It makes no sense…”
Gold.