What happened to good kids’ movies? Movies that not only touched children, but people of all ages. Movies that could inspire imagination, movies like “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory,” Goonies,” “Pippi Longstocking” and “Porky’s.” Oh yeah. I forgot. We live in a time when kids’ movies are made to inspire the buying of merchandise and shitty soundtracks featuring Blink 182 and Smashmouth. Makes you glad to be alive, doesn’t it?
“Cockgobblers” is what this music video disguised as a feature film should’ve been called as it does suck the big one and stopping time isn’t what this film is really about anyways. You see, a high school kid and his girlfriend come across a watch that, when activated, speeds up the body’s molecular structure so that you can zip around in “hyper-time” without being seen by other people, like The Flash. And in consequence, time seems to be frozen as everyone and everything around the hyper-timer appears to be moving very slowly. So in essence, we have the Teen Flash movie here.
I’ve gotta admit, one of my biggest fantasies as a kid, besides being able to make myself invisible, was to be able to stop time or be able to move fast enough so that time appeared to be stopped. Actually, I’m sure many of us have had this fantasy at some point in our lives and I’m sure many of the things that we would do with this newfound power could wind us up in jail. So I’m not buying that a couple of high school kids, with the ability to move in hyper-time, don’t go out and raise complete hell. Yes, I know, this is a kids’ film after all, but even taking that into accord, the teens in this film aren’t nearly creative enough with their superpower. What do they do? They play in the water, they put a hole in some guy’s spray paint can, they put a peeing dog in a meter maid’s jeep and they help a friend breakdance. I say, give that watch to some real kids, like the Little Rascals and then we’ll see some excitement. Better yet, give that watch to a real teenager, like Jeff Spicoli. Now there’s a movie!
I could bitch on and on about how much of a disposable piece of garbage this film is, but I’d like to save my venom for bigger prey. Instead, I’d like to present you a list of complaints. People love lists and so do I because it makes my job easier.
Top 5 Reasons To Avoid “Clockstoppers” Like The Plague ^ 5) You have to watch poor Michæl Biehn struggle through yet another complete piece of s**t. It’s like watching a dog slowly dying on the side of the road. ^ 4) I know we’re talkin’ science fiction here, but in “Clockstoppers”, the laws of physics are taken out behind the barn and brutally raped. There’s only so much an audience can suspend their disbelief before they start screaming “bullshit!” ^ 3) A main character that says “Now that’s what I’m talkin’ ’bout” more than once. ^ 2) More than one goddamn Blink 182 song. ^ 1) French Stewart stars and he doesn’t get his a*s kicked nearly enough. They should have had him mauled by a bear.
If I had the ability to engage in hyper-time, I would’ve ran up to the box office, snatched my money and left.
