CLEANFLICKS PART II: "WHAT UP, BLOOD?"

Caution: This entry includes some naughty words that haven’t been edited out for children because this wasn’t meant for children.

Maybe I was wrong about the whole CleanFlicks issue. Aside from their spelling errors, perhaps they are on to something. If a website can devote itself to cleaning up filthy Hollywood movies by removing profanity, gore, nudity and sweet butter, what else can we do to them?

I think I may have come up with a solution. Actually, multiple solutions, as this is something that has limitless possibilities. I was at Dunkin Donuts the other day with a fellow co-worker of mine. All the employees know me in there and they always start up my order the second I walk into the place, even if there is a line ahead of me. I’m just that cool. Recently, the DD crew hired a new addition to their wonderful staff. A fellow by the name of Hoops. Hoops is a good chap. I actually think I’ve seen him blazed a few times while on the clock, without the other employees sharp enough to figure why Hoops is laughing at every order placed.

Yesterday, I walked in there like I do every day. The Coffee Man rounded up my coffee and the Bagel Lady started the toaster and armed herself with a knife full of cream cheese. Hoops was working the drive-thru when he headed over to the coffee maker. He noticed me on his way there and greeted me with, “What up, Blood?”

It took a great deal of strength not to die laughing right then and there. But I handled it like Rob Schneider with a bad script. Upon further reflection of that simple statement, and the thought of “The number one provider of Edited Hollywood movies” still on my brain, my co-worker and I (being the hip-hop fans that we are) came up with an amazing alternative to CleanFlicks and an idea I plan on copywriting.

Here is my proposal:

Introducing DurrtyFlicks – a simple alternative for those tired of all those cracker films with their PG and PG-13 ratings. We simply take Hollywood films not made for an audience seeking profanity and pimp them out X-to-the-Z style.

• Instead of Clark Gable giving Vivien Leigh a simple cheesy one-liner, the DurrtyFlicks version of “Gone with the Wind” has him telling that woman what is up by saying, “Frankly bitch, I don’t give crack-ho’s a*s.”
  
• Hear Young Simba tell Scar what he is going to grow up to be, “I’m going to be king of Pride Rock, m**********r!” in “The Lion King.”
  
• Hear Darth Vader tell Luke, “What up, Blood? I’m your father you f**k,” in “The Empire Strikes Back.”
  

So join DurrtyFlicks today and add some of our outstanding selection to your Queue and watch films like they were meant to be: Durrty as a motherfuckin’ candy cane in a sewer.

Where will it end? CleanFlicks fans say, “At least I can finally show my kid Blow.” Yeah, because there are valuable lessons to be learned there, right? Maybe, but not the kind a kid is going to pick up. There are way better choices out there to teach your kid about the ups and downs of drug use/dealing.

I’d like to know what Ted Demme would think about that if he was still alive. Perhaps screenwriters Nick Cassavetes and David McKenna have some feelings about the subject. “Well Michael, Blow is a children’s story. We aren’t quite sure where all the naughty language and drug use came from. Thankfully, the CleanFlicks people cut it out for us. Now, parents all over the world can show our story in the fashion it was meant to be shown. For kids everywhere.”

Today’s picture was illustrated by Charlene J. Pimentel.