Vicki (Leigh Ann Kinghorn) is stuck in an abusive relationship with a big, ponytailed dude. Their romantic moments together resemble television commercials for products dealing with feminine itching or something. But when Ponytail Punk gets pissed, he’s a real bastard — and there are no more cutesy rides for two on the swingset and whatnot.
A particularly cruel blow comes when evil ponytail dude dumps a bowl of popcorn over Vicki’s deep-thinking head. How in heck does a gal bounce back from that?!
After satanic ponytail guy suplexes Vicki’s none-too-bright a*s, she finally wakes up and decides to strangle the rotten bastard while he sleeps (no doubt dreaming of other Vince McMahon-sanctioned wrestling moves to employ on our put-upon heroine).
Smartly, she makes a break for it after offing ponytail punk, but somehow the cops track her down in about thirty seconds (maybe she left a trail of cosmetic surgery brochures) at the apartment of the mild-mannered fool who’s letting her hide out. Luckily, some press photographers are on the scene to commemorate the moment when the pigs slap a pair of cuffs on this arch criminal.
Prison turns out to be kind of a bummer, too. Vicki has to wear an icky orange jumpsuit instead of those hot belly shirts she used to get at the mall. Even the dead ponytailed palooka would’ve been appalled by that injustice!
“Choices” is the kind of flick Jackie Collins would make if someone gave her some cheap video equipment and some bad LSD. It’s kind of amazing how they took a serious subject and made it ludicrous.
