The reaction to Film Threat‘s landmark study Higher Than Imperial Walker Sn@tch: Pairing Stars Wars Weed With Stars Wars Movies was overwhelming. Overwhelming because I was too high to understand most of it. For starters, how the Hell are y’all managing to send e-mails scrawled in crayon? I vaguely recollect many seemed to ponder the greater Star Wars philosophical questions, like why the C3PO and R2D2 Underoos were only available in girl’s underwear. How many other boys wore them anyway? Through the haze, two undeniably clear messages came up repeatedly. One was pizza, hot gooey pizza. The other was “More.” More Star Wars weed strains for more Star Wars movies. So it was back once again to Film Threat’s Auxiliary Research Lab in the Arizona desert to see what strains of marijuana enhanced the ancillary entries of the Lucas Mythos. You guessed it. It’s a Sativa-fueled trip to Spin-off City. It’s the floating town right down from Lando’s Cloud City, except it’s lower and not as good. So roll a spliff the size of Walrus Man’s arm. We are entering hyperspace inside your skull, so get your lungs flapping.
Jedi Kush pairs best with Rogue One: A Star Wars Story
If you’re a brave little rebel and you’re trucking with the blueprints showing where the Death Star’s fatal Achilles b******e is, you will need a tubby vial of some weed that will calm you down, not knock you out. Jedi Kush washes the dark side off its Death Star strain father with a San Fernando Valley OG big hippie mama. The resulting hybrid will put some space in your face but will allow you to keep steering the ship. Your nerve edges will soften, but your focus will tighten, perfect for space trucking with the lost rebels. If you start seeing dead people, don’t worry, they can’t see you. They can smell your stanking a*s, though. Just keep in mind that if you smoke enough, you may end up being saber cut into happy little ribbons when big Papa Vader gets to town.
Wookie Pebbles pairs best with Caravan of Courage: An Ewok Adventure
This 1984 TV movie swooped in to snare all the little kiddies caught in the Ewok honeytrap of Episode VI: Cosmic Care Bear Infestation. At the time, I didn’t watch it due to having pubic hair, one big mean curly one that cared little for teddy bears. But boy, didn’t the kids just love it. I did find Wookie Pebbles reduced the wincing a lot. I sank into a soft meadow of Wookie hair while the Fruity Pebbles turned the milk in my head a bright shade of goofy. This allows a state of wide-eyed innocence to endure the onslaught of blatant pandering. Not only are the teddy bears on parade, but the main characters are also kids as well. It is a wonder Lucas didn’t go full-blown Bugsy Malone and start remaking the original trilogy with 8-year-olds in the adult roles. If you dug it back in the day, it will be great to zone out to. Others may be able to get high enough to appreciate scenic Endor and numb the annoyance.
Ewok pairs best with Ewoks: The Battle for Endor
This 1985 TV movie sequel kicks its furry little legs higher than the first Ewok picture. It injects a lot of fantasy into the science fiction foundation, including a bona fide evil queen. This harkens back to the sensation evoked in 1962 by the fantasy masterpieces The Magic Sword and Jack, the Giant Killer. I believe this is due to the involvement of the legendary Wheat brothers, Jim and Ken, who wrote and directed. The Wheat Brothers are most famous for creating Riddick in their screenplay for Pitch Black. These two were behind the script for the excellent The Fly 2 and have tackled some of the most impossible made-for-TV sequels ever, including Birds 2: Land’s End and It Came From Outer Space 2. They have whipped up something here that can be appreciated unironically and well-deserved for enjoying a fluffy little pile of Ewok marijuana. Ewok will turn your body into a shiny helium balloon to float over the endless forests of teddy bear town.
Chewbacca pairs best with The Star Wars Holiday Special
Flood your senses with the peppery inferno of fun known as Chewbacca weed. Your mind will uncurl like a wet hermit crab and be open to all sorts of outlandish notions. That may be the 1978 holiday special isn’t as bad as everyone insists it is. It is one of the few examples of what life was like during the empire occupation, with secret police poking around for signs of underground resistance. However, that is hard to focus on when Chewie’s father, Itchy, watches VR disco porn. It also has the debut of Boba Fett in an animated sequence by Nelvana, the Canadian Studio that was the Disney of Marijuana. But, of course, do you remember that, or are you fixated on the Catina from the first movie being managed by Bea Arthur? Just hold tight and get lost in the shine in the eyes of a heavily medicated Carrie Fischer. Yes, it is all bat s**t nutzo, but with enough Chewbecca weed, you will be too.
Dog S**t pairs best with Solo: A Star Wars Story
First off, I am a huge fan of Ron Howard’s work as a film director. Splash is my favorite 80s rom-com, and I saw Apollo 13 repeatedly at Toledo’s Sundance Kid Drive-In while smoking cheeseburgers. I also feel he could have really contributed if this was an original instead of a patch-over. As excited as I was about The Snyder Cut, I would give my right lightsaber to see Lord and Miller’s cut of Solo. Apparently, it was too funny, so they brought in Howard to reshoot it with a rewrite by Jonathan Kasdan and Lawrence Kasdan. The script still tries to be funny, but now it just isn’t. Howard trades cool visual set-pieces for drab medium shots of boring things. There are even medium shots of dogs playing poker, except without the dogs. This flick is so feeble that, at first, I couldn’t find any weed strong enough to enhance it. The only thing that came close was huffing a rag soaked in gasoline. However, I have found Dog S**t is the perfect weed to make this almost bearable. It’s a high-powered hybrid of several classic 70s strains that is named after the very specific odor of the flower. You will know what you’re watching is garbage, but you will be too zapped to care. One wouldn’t immediately consider Dog S**t to be a Star Wars-themed weed. Thanks to Solo: A Star Wars Story, it now is.
