“Then I opened the front door, and the papers fell to the floor. Very carefully, I separated the funnies from the pile, threw the news section in the waste basket, and began the day.” – from I, The Jury by Mickey Spillane.
We will get to the weed in a second, I promise.
“See you in the funny pages” is a phrase you don’t hear much anymore except in reruns, which is also an outdated format as well. Growing up during the twilight of the 20th century, I was very much aware of the comics section of the newspaper. It was where Snoopy and Garfield lived. It was also where you could find serialized action strips, such as Spiderman and The Phantom. Each day another four panels of a story would be told, as back then, audiences had the patience and the tranquilizers to endure stories in spurts between their busy day. And they were in color on Sunday! This must all sound strange to you New Century folks, so it will sound even weirder that it was the funny pages where some producers went to find the next Star Wars franchise back in the late 70s. Two characters who had been serialized for decades, Flash Gordon and Buck Rogers, were scooped up to anchor new space operas. Both had been in onscreen adaptions before, as both had serials shown weekly in theaters before features. These episodes were then stitched together to be shown on TV as full movies. So both seemed ripe intellectual properties to capture children’s imaginations and their parent’s wallets. All they needed to do was add a lot of sex.
Okay, we still haven’t gotten to the weed. It’s totally worth the wait, as we are playing with some strong stuff this round.
In a two-pronged approach, both movies headed to the theaters with two different plans for world domination. Flash Gordon was going to allow the Europeans to strut their stuff, with their style and sophistication leading to a permanent presence in the US sci-fi theatrical market. Buck Rogers, meanwhile, was using a theatrical release to add prestige and exposure to their upcoming TV series. Audience members who went to the theaters got to see the TV pilot months before it was shown as the opening episode. Both movies updated the old-school comic strips with what was all the rage at the end of the 70s: disco and sex. Unlike Star Wars, sex is a vibrant part of both film universes, with characters discussing it openly and maintaining a constant presence as motivation. Both projects eventually fizzled, with Flash Gordon tanking worldwide and Buck Rogers withering away on the TV vine after two seasons. Maybe the puritanical US was not ready for spacemen doing the nasty. Or maybe it was because weed was still strictly outlawed, not like today.
It is here we arrive at the opportunity to go back to the glowing rift that lies between the 70s and the 80s to see what we may have missed. To light our way, here at Film Threat’s desert research lab, we are going to take advantage of infused herbs. The method of delivery for infused weed is pre-rolls, resulting in a controlled blast right in front of your face. The marijuana joints used to examine the funny pages that sci-fi have been submerged in cannabis distillate and rolled in kief. In layman’s terms, these one-gram wonder logs are shimmering with the power of hashish. This will not just push the envelope. It will go out and mail it to Santa’s floating castle. Hash will get you higher than you got in high school, back when you were a feather throat. For this study, we will deploy two infused fat daddies from the good folks at Jetter, bought up the street at the Prime Leaf dispensary in Tucson. With two pulsating lung sabers from Jetter, we are sure to see both movies in all their Sunday colors.
Flash Gordon was paired with a Jeeter Horchata one-gram infused pre-roll.
Horchata is a creamy, dreamy strain that happens when Jet Fuel Gelato and Mochi Gelato fall in love and make whoopee. Immediately after the first hit off the Jeeter, the Queen soundtrack got louder. This may be because I could now hear it with every single opening in my body. It also helps that the opening credits are a montage of the Sunday newspaper strips for the generationally challenged out there to have a frame of reference. Just a few puffs provide an electric hum that will keep you amused through the first few minutes before leaving Earth. Once you have landed on Mongo, the smoldering Jeeter will dress your brain up in a metal flake bikini to match the one sported by the great Melody Anderson. Dame Anderson went on to stun the crowds in Strange Invaders and Dead and Buried before bravely running into the burning house fire known as the TV show Manimal. Anderson’s turn as Dale Arden remains a high watermark in the lineage of empowered females in tentpole movies. Dale kicks a*s repeatedly, not settling for just waiting around to be rescued. She joins Ornella Muti’s amazing Princess Aura and Mariangela Melato’s iconic Kala in a triptych of women in command positions while looking fabulous. And Fabulous is the name of the sensation that those happy Horchata puffs are going to stimulate, as Flash Gordon is rich with it. Also, prepare for a warmth that will start in your lap and slowly ripple through your pant legs. One of these Jeeters is the perfect rocket cycle to get you to the church on time. The grooves are already there, just waiting for you to exhale and slide through the ride. Honestly, when I was eight years old, I took this movie dead serious, as I got a bigger kick out of it than I did Star Wars. Could have been the different colors of blood, could have been the bikinis, could have been the Queen. However, the hash whispers that maybe the real lifeblood of Flash Gordon was the sheer rock ‘n roll female power, giving a taste of what would be brought by my rock gods Joan Jett, Pat Benatar, and the Go-Gos. That and it has some very pretty clouds, almost as pretty as the ones off the end of that Jeeter.
Buck Rogers In The 25th Century was paired with a Jeeter Berry White one-gram infused pre-roll.
Berry White is a strain known by many names, including Blue Widow and my favorite, Blue Venom. It is a potent pairing of Blueberry with White Widow, creating the kind of heavy thud that lets you know you smoke when smoken to. The infusion of the Jeeter gives it the strength of a hurricane fighter plane doing lung loops. I saw this in the theater when seven, and even I was impressed by how quickly it gets into outer space. The 500 years Buck is in suspended animation is spent dreaming of rolling around with hot chicks on illuminated surfaces in the opening credits. Strange insights will swirl in your mind as an adult watching, such as appreciation for a strong queer presence with all the gay robots. It also was a sign of where things were in 1979, as in order to be openly homosexual in this movie, the queer characters had to have no dicks. As the Berry White smooths out all your crevasses, you will radiate in the retro vibration present at all times. Yes, the little robot is Mel Blanc, the voice of Bugs Bunny. This movie also had a legendary duo of trailblazing power females, that being Pamela Hensley’s badass Princess Ardala and Erin Grey’s legendary Colonel Wilma Deering. The hash tells me that cinema space queens influenced me a lot as a tot. The Jeeter then soars to unbelievable heights, turning your consciousness into Tiger Man wearing a pair of mirror shades. You will no longer know where the rug ends, and you begin. The Berry White will sing you sweet songs while pulling you through space in a silver bodysuit. Cannabis has been known to spark reflection. Infused weed will engulf you in a reflection inferno. So if these movies are part of your childhood, seek out a frosty stick of Jeeter to see all the wild s**t that went over your head. If you are too young to be down with funny pages of sci-fi already, know that there are rockets in them there disco heels. Just set a Jeeter alight and let the momentum commence.
