Goonies 2 Won’t Work…Unless

Warner Brothers has announced that The Goonies will be getting a sequel four decades after its release. Some of the original team is back, such as producers Stephen Speilberg and Chris Columbus, but writer Potsy Ponciroli has the thankless—and likely impossible—task of trying to figure out a story that makes sense. This sequel won’t work unless the filmmakers can solve a few fundamental problems.

First, who should even be in the film? Fans might enjoy a nice handful of memberberries if beloved cast members like Sean Astin and Martha Plimpton come back, but with the exceptions of Josh Brolin and Ke Huy Quan, actors at the wrong end of middle age will have a hard time delivering satisfying action scenes. Oh, and filmmakers will have to decide if it’s worth the headaches that will come with even thinking about hiring Corey Feldman.

“…a problem they will have is that American childhood has changed a lot in the last four decades.”

But maybe the original cast shouldn’t star in this film. After all, The Goonies was a story about kids—kids who did really stupid things that grown-ups would never do. The Goonies were immature, messy, rude, and whiny. Their “never say die” motto was ironic because every choice they made increased the probability of winning a Darwin Award. But their stupidity was endearing because it was so familiar. Each Goonie was a giant dweeb in a different way, which was reassuring to the children who first saw them. If they can come out on top, viewers thought, then I have a chance too.

But if Warner Brothers decides to make Goonies: The Next Generation, a problem they will have is that American childhood has changed a lot in the last four decades. Kids are not allowed to be that obnoxious anymore, at least offline. They certainly wouldn’t make Chunk do the Truffle Shuffle — that kind of fat shaming isn’t allowed, and given modern health statistics, most of the kids would likely resemble him, to begin with. But the bigger problem is that kids aren’t allowed to run around by themselves anymore.