In “Alien Vows,” Cindy (Charleen McCrory) and Bill (Don Luna) are a couple of young, suburban airheads who have fallen in love and plan to marry shortly. After assuring lovably dense Cindy that he’ll be a good chowderhead, Bill runs right out to his bachelor party and a stripper with big implants shakes her a*s in his face–as he sits there with a fake guilty smirk on his face. (In fact, it looks like Cindy has some pretty big bolt-on’s herself–but we never get to see them–even during her gratuitous shower scene. That’s entertainment??)
After Bill gets through sniffing the stripper’s privates, he gets slam-dunked off the pavement by a desperately homely alien with a face not unlike a catfish–or a latter-day Mick Jagger. The Jagger alien assumes Bill’s form and drives off in his car while our dead hero is left laying on the sidewalk, apparently too bland for anyone to even bother to try and I.D. his silly carcass.
When Alien Bill gets home, it doesn’t take that superbrain Cindy long to realize he’s an even bigger a*****e than usual. Now married, Cindy can’t get over this nagging feeling she has about her jerky husband. Something’s wrong, damnit! Once Cindy the Brainiac sees that her husband is basically a two-legged trout, that’s when she really starts pissin’ her drawers. She’s carrying the Fish Man’s demon seed and she’s not up for giving birth to a school of tuna! Chicken of the sea? No, thank you! When a square-jawed dude (William Cook) with a really embarrassing mullet shows up to save the day, somehow things get even more sickening.
First of all, it’s a real stretch to believe that any intelligent species from outer space who were capable of pulling-off all this s**t would choose our girl Cindy as their sperm receptacle. (Although, maybe they thought her genial stupidity was a plus–who knows?) Secondly, our plug ugly alien friends are not the most convincing bunch you’ll ever see. I know this was low budget and all, but we live in an age of top shelf special effects–anything less seems laughable. And this was way, way less. Although, perhaps they were going for laughs–if so, mission accomplished! This is campy stuff.
The DVD contains no extras, by the way, and I’d be lying if I said this was enjoyable. “Alien Vows” is not much fun.
