APRIL
THE HITCHHIKER’S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY:
Released: April 29th
Directed by: Garth Jennings
Starring: Martin Freeman, Mos Def, Sam Rockwell
The Lowdown: Don’t Panic… Stick out your thumb to join the most ordinary man in the world on an extra-ordinary adventure across the universe in the hilarious comedy, THE HITCHHIKER’S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY. Earthman Arthur Dent (MARTIN FREEMAN) is having a very bad day. His house is about to be bulldozed, he discovers that his best friend is an alien and to top things off, Planet Earth is about to be demolished to make way for a hyperspace bypass. Arthur’s only chance for survival: hitch a ride on a passing spacecraft. For the novice space traveler, the greatest adventure in the universe begins when the world ends. Arthur sets out on a journey in which he finds that nothing is as it seems: he learns that a towel is just the most useful thing in the universe, finds the meaning of life, and discovers that everything he needs to know can be found in one book: The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.
FT says –
Rory L. Aronsky: At truck stops, don’t go into any restrooms that have a sign across the top that says, “Aunt Fred’s Human Cleaning Services”. It’s just not right.
Eric Campos: I hope the early word on this one is just the Douglas Adams fans being way too critical. Otherwise, it looks like we may have another “Howard the Duck” on our hands.
Blaine Fidler: If “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy” doesn’t do Douglas Adams’ book justice then a certain director should get his a*s back to slapping together snappy opening credit sequences for increasingly irrelevent British comics.
Chris Thilk: Too many explosions/laser blasts/chases and not enough flumoxed Englishman stuttering while in his bathrobe. I’m just not excited about this one anymore.
Pete Vonder Haar: While the talent lined up for this and the amount of money lavished on the production should give us some optimism, advance word of mouth had been less than glowing. At the very least, it will be the funniest movie about the end of the world that comes out this summer, next to “War of the Worlds”.
XXX: STATE OF THE UNION
Released: April 29th
Directed by: Lee Tamahori
Starring: Ice Cube, Samuel L. Jackson, Scott Speedman
The Lowdown: XXX is back…for the first time. Ice Cube plays the new outsider agent XXX as he’s recruited by NSA Agent Augustus Gibbons to track down a dangerous military splinter group conpiring to overthrow the U.S. government.
FT says –
Rory L. Aronsky: And now, here’s the porn report. Tits are at an all-time high of 90-degree angles, while carpets remain well-groomed. Tomorrow, expect showers of golden persuasion, and make sure you have enough bathroom cleaner.
Eric Campos: I have another XXX movie I’d rather spend a couple hours with. Okay, so maybe just five minutes.
Blaine Fidler: Masuimi Max. Masuimi m***********g Max! I have no doubt that this movie is going to suck hard, but the idea of seeing Ms.Soopahfreak herself on the big screen will get my a*s into a seat.
Chris Thilk: Seems to me that Vin Diesel, by turning down Fast and the Furious 2 and now this one, is beginning some 12-step process by trying to not do anymore damage than he has already.
Pete Vonder Haar: Finally, something to tie up all those loose plot threads left dangling after the first xXx.
MAY
CRASH
Released: May 6th
Directed by Paul Haggis
Starring Sandra Bullock, Don Cheadle, Matt Dillon
The Lowdown: The lives of a cast of multi-ethnic characters intersect and collide in this look at the complexities of racial tolerance in contemporary America.
FT says –
Rory L. Aronsky: Yes! Finally the David Cronenberg film gets its well-deserved mainstream release! Unfortunately, it’s still a dream, but this one has Sandra Bullock, Don Cheadle, Thandie Newton and others in an L.A. based film where all of them end up in some kind of car accident. No sexual motivation from the crash, though. Damn.
Eric Campos: No James Spader a*s, no peace!
Phil Hall: Let me guess…a documentary about Ben Affleck’s career?
Chris Thilk: Decent “Short Cuts”/”Grand Canyon” looking ensemble piece. Definitely has potential.
Pete Vonder Haar: We’ve been saying for years that we needed a Canadian to come down here and tell us how racist our justice system is. Thanks, Paul Haggis.
HOUSE OF WAX
Released: May 6th
Directed by Jaume Collet-Serra
Starring Elisha Cuthbert, Chad Michael Murray, Paris Hilton
The Lowdown: What begins as a weekend getaway for six friends becomes a terrifying fight for their lives in HOUSE OF WAX, a re-imagining of the 1953 horror classic from Dark Castle Entertainment and producers Joel Silver and Robert Zemeckis.
FT says –
Rory L. Aronsky: Alright, bets are now being taken. Place your bets of up to $2,000 (we’ll thank you later, we promise). There’s a black guy in this movie and there’s Paris Hilton, and odds are in favor of Paris Hilton being killed off first for the sake of the nation.
Eric Campos: So many dummies, so little time.
Blaine Fidler: The possibility of seeing Paris Hilton suffer the fate we all know she deserves still won’t be enough to get my a*s into a theater seat for this exercise in cinematic lameness.
Phil Hall: Paris Hilton being dumped in a cauldron of boiling wax? Hey, I’m calling Fandango to book tickets!
Chris Thilk: Before rewrites this was originally known as “House of Bikini Wax” but still starred Paris Hilton in a pivotal role.
Pete Vonder Haar: The prospect fo seeing Chad Michael Murray and Paris Hilton messily snuffed out by hot wax doesn’t quite justify the admission price. Sneak into this one.
JIMINY GLICK IN LA LA WOOD
Released: May 6th
Directed by: Vadim Jean
Starring: Martin Short, Jan Hooks, John Michael Higgins
The Lowdown: Martin Short brings his Jiminy Glick character to the big screen as the entertainment critic looks for fame and fortune at the Toronto Film Festival.
FT says –
Rory L. Aronsky: Martin Short returns in the fat suit only Martin Short could love. And who can resist the grotesque wiles of Jiminy Glick? Let’s face it. There’s other celebrity interviewers who are more grotesque.
Eric Campos: My archnemesis has reared its fat, ugly head once again. Time to prepare the flaming torches.
Chris Thilk: This is like a Carnac the Magnificent routine: The mental state Martin Short was in when agreeing to this.
KINGDOM OF HEAVEN
Released: May 6th
Directed by: Ridley Scott
Starring: Orlando Bloom, Eva Green, Liam Neeson
The Lowdown: Orlando Bloom plays Balian, a common man of extraordinary conscience who rises to knighthood and embarks upon a life-changing journey to find peace and a better world.
FT says –
Eric Campos: Ridley-Ridley-Bo-Bidley-Banana-Fanna-Fo-Fidley-Mi-My-Mo-Midley – Ridley!
Chris Thilk: Looks pretty good but Orlando Bloom really needs a non-swordplay heavy movie soon.
Pete Vonder Haar: Orlando Bloom continues his quest never to star in a movie set after 1880.
KICKING & SCREAMING
Released: May 13th
Directed by Jesse Dylan
Starring: Will Ferrell, Robert Duvall, Kate Walsh
The Lowdown: Will Ferrell coaches a kids’ soccer team. In his determination to take them all the way to the championships, he finds himself going up against his own father who’s coaching his own soccer team. Let the competition begin.
FT says –
Eric Campos: Kicking & Screaming: The Destruction of Will Ferrell
Chris Thilk: I love Will Ferrel and his kamikazee comedic attitude, but this kind of looks like an Adam Sandler vehicle.
Pete Vonder Haar: For those of you who found “Little Giants” too highbrow.
MONSTER-IN-LAW
Released: May 13th
Directed by: Robert Luketic
Starring: Jennifer Lopez, Jane Fonda, Michael Vartan
The Lowdown: Jennifer Lopez finds the man of her dreams, but his mother winds up being the woman of her nightmares.
FT says –
Rory L. Arosnky: Jane Fonda as the feudal mother-in-law battling Jennifer Lopez as the potential daughter-in-law just doesn’t have the same ring as Jennifer Lopez versus any insanely hot music star.
Eric Campos: My fist just balled up all by itself. And now I am punching myself in the groin. I do not like this.
Phil Hall: What’s worse, Jennifer Lopez trying to do comedy (again!) or Jane Fonda trying to do a comeback?
Chris Thilk: Morbidly curious about this one if only because I want to see if Jane Fonda wears a Fox News t-shirt at some point.
Pete Vonder Haar: News that Jane Fonda and Jennifer Lopez were going to make a movie together buried the needle on Film Threat’s Attention W***e-O-Meter.
UNLEASHED
Released: May 13th
Directed by Louis Leterrier
Starring: Jet Li, Morgan Freeman, Bob Hoskins
The Lowdown: A merciless gangster (Bob Hoskins) maintains his hold on the city with his slave enforcer Danny (Jet Li) who is trained to attack and even kill as commanded. But when Danny is separated from the mob, he finds a more peaceful life that’s more to his liking, a life that he will have to fight for when the mob decides that they want their attack dog back.
FT says –
Eric Campos: Jet Li, Morgan Freeman and Bob Hoskins walk into a bar…
Chris Thilk: This one is just coming onto my radar but it looks pretty cool.
STAR WARS: EPISODE III – REVENGE OF THE SITH
Released: May 19th
Directed by: George Lucas
Starring: Ewan McGregor, Hayden Christensen, Natalie Portman
The Lowdown: You want Darth Vader? You got Darth Vader.
FT says –
Rory L. Aronsky: There’s another one? Geez! When will it all end??!!
Eric Campos: Some lame sci-fi movie. Kinda looks like “Krull”. Kinda smells like “Krull”. Pass.
Blaine Fidler: Pull the trigger, sunshine. Lets just get this s**t out of the way and out of our lives altogether.
Phil Hall: Sorry, but we never heard of this one.
Chris Thilk: I’m there. ‘Nuff said.
Pete Vonder Haar: Like you, we never learn.
THE LONGEST YARD
Released: May 27th
Directed by: Peter Segal
Starring: Adam Sandler, Chris Rock, Burt Reynolds
The Lowdown: Adam Sandler and Burt Reynolds put together a prison inmate football team.
FT says –
Eric Campos: The Turd Ferguson factor alone makes this one a must see!
Blaine Fidler: Was a remake necessary? An Adam Sandler remake at that?
Chris Thilk: The only way I’m going to see this one is if I can get some sort of written guarantee that Burt Reynolds was whacked out on smack during the entire shoot.
Pete Vonder Haar: Because when you think “ex-NFL quarterback,” you think Adam Sandler.
MADAGASCAR
Released: May 27th
Directed by: Eric Darnell, Tom McGrath, Conrad Vernon
Starring: Ben Stiller, Chris Rock, Jada Pinkett-Smith
The Lowdown: When four zoo animals escape their confines to explore the city, they end up being captured and shipped to Africa where they’re bound to discover the true meaning of freedom.
FT says –
Eric Campos: I’m gonna be at the zoo instead, flinging my poop at the monkeys.
Chris Thilk: Computer animated talking animals. Great. Need another flick like that.
Pete Vonder Haar: We might be more amenable to the concept if we got to hear David Schwimmer’s character getting skinned alive by poachers. Otherwise, we’ll pass.
Look forward to June in part three of FILM THREAT’S 2005 SUMMER MOVIE PREVIEW>>>
