20. MARIAH CAREY ^ She may have a twelve-octave vocal range, but Glitter made about $12 bucks. For her next act, Mariah will strip naked and do crazy cartwheels down the Sunset Strip, while shattering every glass in a five-mile radius. With any luck, maybe she’ll run over Whitney Houston while she’s at it. Talk about Swiss-precision timing: her sudden and dramatic “recovery” from a reported nervous breakdown coincided right down to the second with the opening of Glitter. Quite a coincidence, yes?
21. MICHæL JACKSON ^ To borrow a lyric from the show “1776” — Is anybody there? Does anybody care?
22. THE NATIONAL BOARD OF REVIEW ^ The ultimate scam job: a group of New Yorkers (most of whom have no film industry connection) who con the studios into free screenings with the promise of receiving a next-to-worthless year-end award. As film critic Harvey Karten trenchantly observed, “They’re not national, there’s no board, and they don’t write reviews.”
23. ANNE HECHE ^ Need we say more? Okay, we will. We liked you better when you were a lesbian.
24. ERIC ROBERTS ^ Forgotten but not gone — the king of the straight-to-video killer B’s. The last time he was taken seriously as an actor, Jimmy Carter was President.
25. ELIE SAMAHA ^ Last year, this comically sleazy Lebanese dry-cleaning film-producing tycoon accosted innocent moviegoers with Battlefield Earth, Get Carter and The Art of War. This year he, uh, came back strong with 3000 Miles to Graceland, Driven and Angel Eyes. Somebody stop him before he produces again!
26. BRETT RATNER ^ “Hey, I’m just a big schmo from Miami who likes to kibitz on my cell phone, keep my pinkie rings shined up, bang a couple bimbos, and maybe direct a half-assed comedy flick from the backseat of my Humvee! Whaddaya want for my life?” The director behind Family Man and Rush Hour 2 may as well be crowned the Prince of pap.
27. HARRISON FORD ^ Sir, we respectfully request that you proceed directly to full-time wilderness helicopter rescue operations and post-divorce starlet pursuit. Or else star in a nice little indie drama for scale. Either way, it would spare us the inevitably embarrassing spectacle of Indiana Jones IV.
28. TIM BURTON ^ Remember when you made more personal films that we used to like? Working on Planet of the Apes left him dispirited and depressed. Watching it left us with the impulse too slice off small body parts. Apparently even a great visual stylist like Burton can be ground down by the Hollywood homogeneity machine. Better luck next time.
29. BILL CLINTON ^ The idea that he might replace Jack Valenti at the MPAA was briefly floated, then shot down. We think that was a tremendous waste. If anyone might have, er, reinterpreted the rating system, “Slick Willy” would have been the man for the job. In this day and age, isn’t it time to consider a PG-13 for “Deep Throat”?
Get the rest of the list in THE FRIGID 50: THE COLDEST PEOPLE IN HOLLYWOOD (30-39)>>>
