Tom Cruise and MGM have teamed up to resurrect United Artists, the movie studio founded more than 80 years ago by cinema icons such as Charlie Chaplin and Mary Pickford.
Cruise will star in and produce films for the studio, and production partner Paula Wagner will serve as chief executive. Cruise and Wagner will be able set the company’s production slate from development to greenlight, subject to certain parameters, according to MGM.
Certain parameters? Let’s recap that meeting with MGM:
Manic Tom Cruise: I’m getting married in Italy, you know! Really! I had a kid too! See, I like girls! I love Katie!
MGM: Tom, we’d like to talk about this UA deal…
Serious Tom Cruise: Yes, we should be United. I know a lot about uniting people, uniting artists and it just makes sense. Do you know the history of the studio? I do…
MGM: Tom, we’d like to give you full capabilities to develop and finish projects under the UA banner, we just have a few stipulations: no Scientology projects, no promotion involving couch-jumping and you can’t have anymore children with formerly promising young actresses.
Quiet Tom: …
MGM: It’s for the best, Tom, and it’s really the only way anyone would do business with you from here on out.
Reflective Tom: Can I still play quarterback for the Washington Redskins at my new amusement park studio?
MGM: Ummmmm… that’s right, you made some silly deal didn’t you? Right, sure, just remember our stipulations…
Crazy Tom: *Laughs maniacally*
MGM: F**k…
